Reflecting

    Hey all you out there in Cyberspace,

    It's me, Cordelia,

    More times than I can remember, I have been asked why my nose is always buried in a book or why I am always writing. Leaving this world and entering another, even if for a few short minutes has always been one of the few things to bring me relief and calm in a life so full of hurt and pain.

     Not a single soul knows the full extent of the battles within my mind. Few have come close; my sister, my boyfriend, and my closest friend. But still I find myself shielding them from the darkness within me. I am not afraid of them turning against me. I am more afraid of the darkness leaving me and consuming them as well.

   Ever since I was a kid all I've ever wanted was to write. Writing was my way to escape, to create a whole new world where all the injustices I faced in my own life were corrected. I may be quiet, and feeble, and weak; but my alter ego, the one that only came out when I put pen to paper, was the version of myself I always wanted to be but never could. I didn't have supernatural powers or a way to make people understand the inner workings of my mind with a single powerful glance. All I had was a keyboard and four walls to close me in.

    During the day, I'd keep the peace; smile, laugh, share stories to keep the conversation going. But it wasn't sincere. It was all filler and fluff, things to make the day go faster.

   But even though a smile would break through my walls I still always felt so empty and trapped. There were so many things I wish I would have said or done, but I was caged within myself. I was trapped by everything around me with no end in sight.

   At night, my mind would get away from me and she would take over.  It became her turn to speak. I let her, because it was the only way to keep myself from exploding into a million pieces.

     My biggest regret was letting that get taken from me. I never stopped writing, but I convinced myself that what I had to say wasn't worthy of sharing because I'd been threatened and because I'd been broken down.

    Slowly but surely I'm fighting those feelings. I can't keep hiding, I need to be me, all of me. This may offend some of you, and while I apologize for  the offense, I cannot turn back now. This is finally me.

    My (pen) name is Cordelia Cross and I am done hiding. Welcome to my little Corner of Cyberspace!

Finding Myself Again

Hey all you out there in Cyberspace! 

It's me, Cordelia.

   I know that through my previous blog posts I may seem like this strong minded outspoken person. I used to be like that in real life too, but I stopped. I started spending less time fighting for change and more defending my people on my team because they didn't have much of a voice for themselves.
   I don't regret defending them, or quietly trying to make waves behind the scenes to make things better. But I still feel like I should have done more on the surface.
   This year has been a really hard one for me and it has made me rethink a lot of things. I lost my car when my brakes failed on me, I lost my home to a fire, and now I might lose my family due to an ultimatum forced on me by my family.
   Throughout all of this, the one reason I am still standing and still fighting to stay afloat is because of my boyfriend. He has helped me through so much. I come home and he makes me smile despite our situation. He lost his job due to cutbacks last month and now he's struggling to find a new full time job that works with my work schedule since we are currently down to one car.
   This is all so hard for me to talk about because I haven't really. I have friends, but it's hard for me to open up to them because they all have their own demons they are facing. My coworkers, even the closer ones have no idea what is going on in my life aside from what little I tell them out of necessity (like the fact that I missed work due to my car accident).
   When I get home from work, instantly I start working remotely to help a good friend make sense of her late husband's business. She lives in Florida, and he had a small grocery store. Towards the end of his life as his illness progressed, he over ordered certain things, and under ordered others, and he didn't keep his paperwork organized or filed either. I've been helping her make sense of all that.
  What little time I have after that is divided between; spending time with my boyfriend, writing essays and articles for people and getting paid to do it, trying to keep this blog and it's communities afloat, and just trying to find a second job, one that pays.
   I need to get a car, I need to find a way to move out of here with my boyfriend. But the cards have been stacked against us. I feel like I've spent the majority of my life helping everyone else, doing what others want me to.
     That brings me to where I am now. I don't sleep more than an hour or two a night, I'm constantly stressed out, and I don't have the motivation or drive for much of anything anymore except trying to find a way to get a business loan to open a small teen / young adult hangout in my area.
    I've typed up this post so many times and not hit submit because I didn't want everyone to think that I was this depressed little shell waiting for the tide to come and wash me away.
   I am still here, and I am still fighting for a better future. I will not back down, I will not give up. I have worked so hard and come so far to let things fall apart. I am tired of letting my voice go unheard. I am tired of balling everything up inside and waiting for that day when I finally explode and everything comes pouring out.
   I am here, and I am here to stay. This post is the first step in the right direction.

I hope you all have a wonderful day, and never let anyone stifle your voice,

~ Cordelia.

First Post of the New Year

Hey all you out there in Cyberspace!

These last few months have been really hard and I wanted to take a moment to write to all of you. Although I couldn't post here on our main site very much, I did my best to keep regular posts going for out followers on Facebook.

The holidays were a busy time of the year (as always with retail) but not only was my work life packed, so was my personal life. I've been trying to get things sorted out so I can finish my degree and Ive also been trying to get a house. Beyond that, I've been working to revamp our online store. One of the main reasons I've been working so hard to get this place is so that I can have a home office to start writing more again and publishing YouTube content like we used to.

However, all of that sort of got held off a bit. On the second of January I got a car accident that resulted in the officially declared (by my insurance adjustor) death of my car. And yes, I said that "she" was "dead". My car was most definitely a "she" and I loved her...

I may not be posting very much on the main site, but I will do my best to keep posting on. Facebook and Cordelia's Playlist.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and an even better upcoming year,

-Cordelia