Hey all you out there in Cyberspace!
It's me, Cordelia.
I know that through my previous blog posts I may seem like this strong minded outspoken person. I used to be like that in real life too, but I stopped. I started spending less time fighting for change and more defending my people on my team because they didn't have much of a voice for themselves.
I don't regret defending them, or quietly trying to make waves behind the scenes to make things better. But I still feel like I should have done more on the surface.
This year has been a really hard one for me and it has made me rethink a lot of things. I lost my car when my brakes failed on me, I lost my home to a fire, and now I might lose my family due to an ultimatum forced on me by my family.
Throughout all of this, the one reason I am still standing and still fighting to stay afloat is because of my boyfriend. He has helped me through so much. I come home and he makes me smile despite our situation. He lost his job due to cutbacks last month and now he's struggling to find a new full time job that works with my work schedule since we are currently down to one car.
This is all so hard for me to talk about because I haven't really. I have friends, but it's hard for me to open up to them because they all have their own demons they are facing. My coworkers, even the closer ones have no idea what is going on in my life aside from what little I tell them out of necessity (like the fact that I missed work due to my car accident).
When I get home from work, instantly I start working remotely to help a good friend make sense of her late husband's business. She lives in Florida, and he had a small grocery store. Towards the end of his life as his illness progressed, he over ordered certain things, and under ordered others, and he didn't keep his paperwork organized or filed either. I've been helping her make sense of all that.
What little time I have after that is divided between; spending time with my boyfriend, writing essays and articles for people and getting paid to do it, trying to keep this blog and it's communities afloat, and just trying to find a second job, one that pays.
I need to get a car, I need to find a way to move out of here with my boyfriend. But the cards have been stacked against us. I feel like I've spent the majority of my life helping everyone else, doing what others want me to.
That brings me to where I am now. I don't sleep more than an hour or two a night, I'm constantly stressed out, and I don't have the motivation or drive for much of anything anymore except trying to find a way to get a business loan to open a small teen / young adult hangout in my area.
I've typed up this post so many times and not hit submit because I didn't want everyone to think that I was this depressed little shell waiting for the tide to come and wash me away.
I am still here, and I am still fighting for a better future. I will not back down, I will not give up. I have worked so hard and come so far to let things fall apart. I am tired of letting my voice go unheard. I am tired of balling everything up inside and waiting for that day when I finally explode and everything comes pouring out.
I am here, and I am here to stay. This post is the first step in the right direction.
I hope you all have a wonderful day, and never let anyone stifle your voice,
~ Cordelia.
